The Eye of the Beholder
by Elfreida
Summary: Sequel to Between the Worlds. Rose is out there...somewhere. Since her visit, the Doctor has been searching desperately to find her again. But where? When? Alone and slowly starting to doubt his sanity, he is unaware of events unfolding elsewhere that could change everything. An irony that, months later, everyone else wants the story of.
1. Part the First

**The Eye of the Beholder **_**[part the first]**_

_He relaxed back…and remembered._

* * *

It had been a month. A whole month. Four point two-eight weeks. By human terms, of course. There were any number of alien ways to calculate it, not to mention the official timekeeping of the Shadow Proclamation. In a rough translation of my own internal clock it had been seven hundred and twenty-eight hours, five minutes and twenty-six seconds.

There was a better translation in my opinion, though.

Too long.

When we made love, I'd held my mind as my own so I would be able to withstand the hell that would be the time until I found her again. Now, though, I was regretting I hadn't simply given it all to her.

I was going mad anyway.

I kept rushing round the universe like some over-enthusiastic temporal tourist, just to keep myself occupied. And at every planet, every station, I thought I caught a flash of blonde hair; a grin with her tongue tucked mischievously between her teeth. I would hare after it, only to find nothing. Just space. Or lights. Then, back on the TARDIS, I'd sit in the jump seat and stare around the empty room as if she'd appear.

After a week, I jumped up and found the next planet.

After a _month_, I just sat there, staring at the console.

_With no idea what to do._

I knew I was starting to slide away again. I _did_ eat properly at first. I kept myself in better nick, made better travel decisions, and I even slept once or twice. But after that first week of looking, searching, _begging_…

_She's going to come back to me. She's got to come back…._

Or I had to find her, otherwise what was the point? What was the point of anything if she wasn't there? I'd done too much, suffered too much, and the universe in all its imperfect wonder didn't deserve a defective Timelord who had finally lost it. I mean…I lost it a while back, but I had _her_ then. To make me better. And even now she completed me in ways I could barely comprehend; took me to places where I could feel _proud_. _Happy._ I _needed _her.

_Where was she?_

* * *

"_Doctor?"_

"_Hmm?"_

"_Um…"_

"_Well you asked me to tell you the story!"_

_They were all in the sitting room, crowded round the comfy chairs and sofas while the glass fish blew bubbles in the small pond dominating the centre of the floor. How it had got from the forest room to this, no one quite knew, but it was surprisingly pleasant._

"_You could make it sound less like a tsulian writing his first epic ballad after being dumped."_

"_Raven!"_

"_I'm just saying! You should tell the story about how _we_ first met –"_

"No_. Raven, I draw the line there. Just _NO_ – you're _NOT_ telling that story to my companions!"_

"_Eight hundred and twenty six years and you're _still_ embarrassed?"_

"_Raven!"_

"_Oi!" They all looked at Rose. "The Doctor's right, 'cos you all came in here to find out what happened –"_

"_I still want to know more about what happened last week!"_

"Jack!_"_

"_Alright, I'll…shut up and listen to the story."_

"_Thank you."_

"_So you were a bit depressed then?"_

_Martha grabbed a biscuit and looked sympathetic._

"_Bit loop-the-loop, if we're being accurate."_

"_Donna, he's always _loop-_the-_loop!_"_

"_Fine! Being mopey and loopy and Rose-deprived – _then_ what happened?"_

"_Well…actually that went on for a while."_

"_Ack…I can hear the tsulian bards groaning."_

"_Raven!"_

"_Shutting up."_

"_Look, this isn't exactly a light topic for me, okay?" The Doctor shifted uncomfortably, subconsciously pulling Rose closer where they sat. "And you said 'tell it properly', so I am! I'm…telling you all the truth because you're my best friends in all the universe. And 'cos…for once I…"_

"_Hey…" Rose nudged higher on the settee so that she could press herself to him, head on his shoulder. "It's alright."_

"_A year and a half. That's how long."_

"_You're kidding me, right Doc?"_

"_Nope."_

_A whistle went around the room as Rose gripped his hand._

"_Just to put this all in perspective."_

"_How did you survive?"_

"_Oh, so Mickey the Idiot thinks I can't get on on my own!" He said sarcastically. The rest of the room answered in unison._

"_No."_

"_Oi! Nine hundred years old, me, couldn't have gotten far without knowing how to move on."_

"_Thought that was what _we_ were here for, Space Man."_

_He was half way to a witty retort when he caught her eye and realised the look she was giving him. The reason why he'd travelled with her – or with all of them, in the end. A small smile twitched his lips._

"_So –" Rose suddenly tugged at his tie. "– story, yeah? Or we'll be here 'till the crack of doom. And it's _long_ enough as it is!"_

"_Alright." He murmured softly, running a hand through her hair. "So! Like I said, I was doing well at first. I kept looking for you everywhere I went, but I was eating – I was sleeping – and I was actually doing good things for the universe for once. I was decent!_

_Then…the nightmares started to come back. After that first month. Then another month went by, and then another and another, and I…I..."_

* * *

Lights flickered across the ceiling as I stared up, drenched in a combination of my own sweat and tears. This time I'd just let myself fall. I stared up at the soft green and blue glowing patterns as the moisture settled on my skin. As the shaking stopped. And then started again as the sobs burst through the dam I'd been keeping them behind, thick and rattling. I raised a hand to my face, but it was only to get a grip on something since I couldn't find purchase on the floor.

I felt awful. I felt…_felt…fuck._

Oh _fuck._

* * *

_Raven went to the pot and poured him out a fresh mug. When the Doctor looked up, he nodded ever so slightly._

"_Take your time."_

* * *

The TARDIS hummed as soothingly as she could, but nothing could numb my agony, not even her. Her helplessness seeped into her song, but she sung it anyway. Always there. _My TARDIS. _I cried until there were no more tears left, and then caught the last vestiges of sleep there on the floor. When I woke up, the lights were still soft.

"You miss her too, don't you?"

The walls hummed. With a groan and protest from every muscle group I had, I got to my feet and staggered to the bathroom. I didn't dare look in the mirror, just stripped and attempted to scour myself into some semblance of _okayness._ It _mostly _worked. What didn't was getting the dream out of my head. It was the old nightmare – the one where she fell into the void. The one where she screamed and screamed and I was helpless to save her.

I couldn't decide what was worse: knowing that I could never see her again or knowing that whatever I did she'd never be safe from _me. _I wanted to see her happy – it was the only thing left giving my any strength at all. If _I_ made her happy…I still couldn't decide if I could live with what that would rob from her. _But to leave her now…._that was unthinkable.

* * *

_His hands twined so tightly in hers that her knuckles went white, though neither noticed._

"_So what did you do?"_

"_What I always do – explored the universe, stayed out of trouble."_

_Donna snorted._

"_I didn't say I was very good at it. No, I met a few people, visited a few places. Saved the world a couple of times. Course I couldn't go back to earth…"_

_He looked quickly at Rose almost to reassure himself she was still there._

"_I just…couldn't."_

"_Where did you end up?"_

"_Phraxus."_

_Raven nearly choked on a jammy dodger._

"_Phraxus? What in GODS' names were you doing there?"_

"_Thinking."_

* * *

I scuffed the red dust for the twenty second time before realising my converses were covered. So were the bottoms of my trouser legs. People had stopped asking whether I was lost and so I was alone in that spot with the red dust.

It was happening more and more quickly these days, people leaving me alone.

_Thirteen months, twenty six days, five hours, nineteen minutes and fifty eight seconds._

I stared at the fine layer coating my feet hoping it would have answers. That it would reveal the truth or give me some sign. It could have at least pointed me in a direction other than standing hopelessly around.

No such luck.

I realised then that she'd never spoken about _him._ The _other _one. _Handy _as I'd taken to calling him. What could've happened to him? I mean, given that he was me and I was him, they should've waltzed off into the sunset. Thinking about it _rationally.-*_

So, alright, he wasn't _exactly _the same as me. He was half-human, and would've had a very different perspective on time and space, even with my memories as a Timelord. He would've been a bit more fragile, a bit more emotional. A bit more _domestic _– it all came with the package. _Being human. _Human instincts, human nuances, human _hormones._

He would've allowed himself to love. I didn't doubt that from the moment I realised the possibility of them staying together. He would've allowed himself to love _her._

_Did _love her. He'd kissed her. He'd _told _her.

I let him say it because I loved her, but if he really was me and I was him, he would've loved her more than the whole universe and all the stars in the sky. For once, for all his memories of being me. Rose Tyler and _him_, together on that beach, snogging and going off into the sunset.

_What could've gone wrong?_

_See, _said the niggling, stinging little voice that'd been slowly turning up its volume switch, _This is where it all comes apart. Did you really think she'd come back for you?_

* * *

"_Oh, Doctor…"_

* * *

Of course, he'd have got a bit from Donna as well. All that _attitude. _Well…he certainly wouldn't have turned out quiet. _Donna…_

I sat in a little café by the sea on Veri Prime, drowning myself in a banana daiquiri and debating whether I really should've brought it to the planet six centuries early. Another one down…and I found I really didn't care. I watched the sunset silhouetting the four moons, golden light dancing on the water, and wanted more than anything to have _her_ there with me to see.

I wanted to show her all the beauty and wonder I could with my amazing timeship. But _no_, she had _him_, and quite rightly. She had _him_ and she wouldn't ever come back to me after that, why would she? She'd be _happy _with _him_, wouldn't she?

She was fine and I was just going mad, that's all.

Why would she _ever_ want _me? _Why she had in the _first place _was a _mystery _unto any volunteering local _gods. _I mean, what had _I _ever _done_ to…to…_what was that word? _Like, err…

What had I ever _done _to _woo _her, eh? Shouldn't have gone and told her I was so impressive. Should've told her _I _didn't even believe that. That I was _so _impressive at being a walking _disaster zone. _I nearly got her killed first time we met!

I lurched back to the TARDIS and navigated the stairs. How long those five feet took is still a mystery since my timesense by then was well and truly _sloshed._ Still, I made it up and past the console, through the door, and felt blindly along the wall for a door. _My door_. Preferably. But, to be honest, in that state any door would've done. The TARDIS, flickering the lights in what I could've sworn was an eye-roll, seemed to be thinking along the same lines and pulled up a door.

I opened it. I stepped through without seeing, and collapsed on the bed, colours and walls lapping like the ocean waves.

_She kissed me, fingertips running slowly down my back. I could see her in the grey dawn: skin shining, eyes glimmering. With a wry smile, she nudged a knee between my legs and pulled us closer, stretching languidly while our eyes locked. She whispered things that made my spine thrum; my world tilt. And then she'd say something else that made my chest burn, my hearts swelling until it was almost unbearable._

_I felt her in the soft light, gliding over her thighs, and her hips, and then the line of her body that curved away in parabolic symmetry. I leaned away so that my hand could slip over the flesh of her breast, catching her shiver. Her hips pressed into mine, drawing a moan from my mouth even as she crushed it to hers. We were moving again, and again…my hands pressed to her back._

_Again. And again._

_Her hands clutched my shoulder blades and we cried out as the night died, one word in my ear._

"_Always."_

* * *

"_Err, Doc, when you say you 'dreamed' about her…"_

"_Jack!"_

* * *

It was the worst hang-over I'd had in a long while. Made inevitably worse by the tears on the pillow I'd spent the night on. What _was_ it with my TARDIS and dreams? Then slowly I realised that the TARDIS hadn't needed to do anything after leading me into _this _room. Preserved since the day she left, tucked away along lonely corridors. I remembered spending hours stood outside after that Christmas with Donna, unable to bring myself to go in.

Then I did. I stared around the room – the last imprint of her on my life – and left. I couldn't bear it. I kept the purple shirt in my pocket for the rest of those two years and the year-that-never-was, but I couldn't go back in that room. Especially after I left _them _on the beach, it was too much. I put the shirt in my own box-of-holding-things and tried to find a way to live with myself, admittedly unsuccessfully.

_I didn't dream it. That happened!_

It was so _human_, just burying myself in the smell of _her_ settling all around me, but I couldn't help it. Everything was _cold_, so _awfully cold,_ and it was in a way that seemed to underlie her essential absence, but I couldn't move. I couldn't think. I just wanted to lock myself away there forever and be done with it.

_She was _real.

I got up, did the reverse of what I did to get in the room and stumbled blindly off in search of my own door, desperate for a space to think. And an icepack. Wishing, oh god, _wishing _she was here to talk to. Or Donna. Donna would've sorted me out. My best mate...she'd have done it in a heartbeat. Or cleaned me up enough to face the rest of the universe, anyway. But I couldn't even begin to think of a way to see her that wouldn't result in her mind burning. Even when there was no one else in this universe I would rather have talked to.

And it would've involved going back to earth.

_That...I couldn't. I _couldn't_. I just..._

I leant back against the dark wood and slid to the floor. Even if Rose had been real, that still left Donna. My _friend_, and I'd just done _that_ to her. Her dying had been unthinkable, but what I'd done wasn't much better. I'd thrust her back into her old life, her old mind, and I knew how terrible that would be if she ever realised – and she would, in flashes. The human mind was like that. And I knew because I'd made her better in the same way Rose had made me better, and then I'd taken it away. Just _ripped_ it from her.

Tears trickled down my cheeks even as I swatted them away, trying to ignore the throbbing in my head as the urge to break down, faint and be sick all at once took over. At least I knew it was the alcohol this time.

I swallowed a lump like sandpaper, and hauled myself up, fumbling for the handle.

I tried to think about destinations; times, planets, but before I could realise and stop I'd drifted to Martha and Mickey and Jack. And Sarah Jane. All going about their lives...

* * *

"_Yeah, thanks mate, it's nice when you remember us!"_

_He tried to duck as Martha thwacked him with a cushion._

* * *

"_They've all got someone else."_

And the last thing I wanted was to inflict myself on them the way I was. I thought of them, and I thought of all the pain I'd caused each of them – all the grief and injury and heartache. I'd dragged each of them through hell backwards just by _being there_. After everything I'd gone through, everything _they'd _gone through, all that had happened, I didn't think I could face them again, knowing what I'd done.

I had a habit of screwing with other people's lives.

They deserved a holiday from me screwing theirs up even more.

* * *

"_Oh."_

"_So," Raven said more firmly than anyone felt. "Eighteen months on your own."_

"_Yeah."_

"_Living on frayed hope, belligerence, pure guilt and your TARDIS' counselling."_

_The walls hummed._

"_Oh, you...you are good to your pilot, aren't you?"_

_Normally the Doctor would've reprimanded Raven for being so familiar with his ship, but he stopped this once. He'd seen the flicker of grief in his friend's eye and knew he was remembering his own ship._

"_Eighteen months then?" Martha prompted._

"_Yes, right, um…I ended up on Phraxus again."_

_Raven muttered something under his breath as his palm connected with his forid._

"_What _is_ on Phraxus?" Donna looked between them in confusion._

"_It's a mining colony, isn't it?"_

"_Actually, Rose, it's a desert planet that serves as a permanent shrine to the dead race of flying humanoids that lived there when it wasn't a desert." Raven took a sip of tea with distaste. "It's since become a tourist hub and the headquarters for the fifty-first century, Andromedan Archeologist's Guild with a small scale iron-mining operation taking over when they ran out of money."_

"_How do you know?"_

"_Because I…oversaw the transition period from civilisation to capitalisation Observed it. A long time ago. It was one of my first assignments since I actually entered into a career rather than stealing a type-40." He gave the Doctor a wry look. "I've always found Phraxus depressing."_

"_I'm not saying it wasn't. But, after eighteen months I just…wound up there again. Wasn't in the best state of mind."_

"_Ah."_

_There was a long pause._

"_Hold on, was Phraxus where –"_

"_Yes!"_

"_Oh…"_

* * *

"Can I help you sir?"

"What?"

I looked up from what I suspected was the same spot of dust from five months earlier to see a man striding towards me in a bowler hat. He carried an air of self-importance about him, exaggerated by the chest thrown out that actually succeeded in showing his large girth. He wore a grey suit, looked down his nose (despite the fact that I was taller than him, which, admittedly, was slightly impressive) and stopped four feet from me.

It was everything I could do not to tell him to just sod off. But, he had piqued my interest by daring to approach me at all – unlike the rest of the visitors to Phraxus – so I gave him the benefit of turning round and acknowledging him. It was something to do.

"Might I ask if you are 'The Doctor', sir?"

My head snapped up.

"I'm sorry?"

"'The Doctor', sir, is your name 'The Doctor'?" The man repeated slowly and clearly. "Only I have a message for 'The Doctor' and you match the description given on the transmission."

"I thought it was your policy to view all incoming messages in case of terrorism."

_Because _most_ people want to bomb this place, _I thought privately. Then I flicked my eyes around the red-stained ruins covered in information kiosks and reconsidered.

"Yes, it is, and this is the reason that we are taking an interest in the fact that the transmission's encrypted."

"You said it was for 'The Doctor'?"

"Yes, and if that is you –" he checked a small electric pad from his top pocket. "– pinstripe suit, twenty first century Earth converse trainer shoes, brown hair and eyes, called the Doctor," the man looked me up and down. "Would you like to come with me, please?"

Properly distracted and breathing hard, I followed him all the way back to the security building. The large man led me through the winding corridors and into the retro-styled control room, complete with purple lighting, green codelines and hexagonal arches.

"Now, I'm afraid it's policy in these situations to ask the recipient to view the tape in the presence of one of our supervisors."

"How is it encrypted?"

"Password activated audio file." He showed me to a control room and indicated a keyboard beneath the large screen. "Two words, a total of seven letters, however our equipment crashes every time the solution is reached. Can you explain that…Doctor?"

I stared at the keys.

"No."

I was trying to calm my racing hearts, trembling all over. I'd given up. _I really had_. I just hadn't faced the fact because it would have meant stopping altogether and she'd stayed – in my head, in my _madness_ – because she'd wanted me to be alright. I was still alive for _her. _And now a _message – who the fuck would want to send me a message? _People wanting to kill me made it more obvious; people wanting help phoned the TARDIS, and no one in their right mind wanted me _visiting _otherwise. Unless-_unless…_

Two words, seven letters.

I had nothing else. Nothing else to lose. After eighteen months running in circles and doubting my mind, everything had collapsed to this. So why not?

_Bad Wolf._

"_Right – is this on? Seriously, the light's not flashing or anything….oh right, okay, right: err, hi! Um, this is gonna be a bit weird, but bear with me. You've got to go to Canary Warf and check where the massive great hole in the universe was. Scan it. Might show you something…interesting…what?...Oh! And, err, you really should be more worried about the lasting effects of having simultaneous dimensional retroclosure…I think. Just…look into it, that's all I can say. Oh, and Doctor –"_

I stared wildly at the speakers, hardly daring to breathe. As if the rest of the universe had ceased to exist. _Rose…_her voice was the only thing I could process, my brain in overdrive, my chest collapsing. When she called my name across the microphone –

"_Don't worry. My Doctor. I'm coming."_

* * *

**_A.N: Okay. Here it is. The beginnings of an idea, and I think I've got it mapped out. Actual story this time rather than character exploration and pottering about - suspense and adventure (I hope). I'm also playing around with the first and third person again and I'm hoping this works. It just makes it more flexible. The basic concept is that the first person bits are the memories of the person telling that part of the story. Simple enough? The bits in the middle are third person to make them more neutral, but the observations are based around the person from the chapter FOR THAT CHAPTER, if that makes any sense? Since it won't be just the Doctor remembering._**

**_And don't worry - the 'Raven' character will get introduced thoroughly and properly. If anyone's read my other one - The Raven - you'll recognise the name, but obviously it's a different direction I'm taking the character in. And I'm not saying read that one. Well...you can, but it's in a bit of a mess and I haven't been paying attention to it recently._**

**_This is just the first edit of this chapter, so I'm not expecting it to be as good as the finished version of Between the Worlds, but I'm optimistic. Your thoughts? My beautiful reviewers, sweet cherubs of delight - drop it a line! Review!_**


	2. Part the Second

**The Eye of the Beholder_ [part the second]_**

I don't know how long I stared at that patch of sand, the TARDIS' footprint, before his hand slid into mine and I looked into his eyes. They were the same eyes. Yet…different, it was impossible to tell. They didn't quite _feel_ the same, and part of me screamed that they weren't. Part of me wanted to shriek and wail and rage that he'd left me on that beach _again_, that he'd thought three words weren't _necessary._ Part of me wanted to walk into the sea. After everything, _everything _I'd gone through to get back to him, it had ended with this? It wasn't fair. _It wasn't fair._

But while that part dissolved into a storm of almost childish anger and disappointment, another gazed right back into those brown eyes. They held whole galaxies and all of time and space; voids and light I had grown to know so well. They were the same; brown or blue, _they were the same. _And different. But I'd lived with that before. It took me a while to wrap my head around regeneration, and I still didn't know if I accepted the nuances properly. I grieved for his ninth body – god knows I did – even when I knew the same man was in the console room doing the repairs. And now I'd grieve his fully-Timelord-self until the day I died.

But…he was right there. Staring into me. With an expression so unguarded I was entranced.

"Rose…" he was nervous, unsure.

"Tell me again." My voice cracked uncontrollably, tears sliding down my face. I was shaking, not least from exhaustion, but it was like being naked out in the cold. He was all I had – _a copy – _but if the Doctor had left me forever than even a single piece of him was _something_. The screaming in my head had stopped and it was replaced by an unbearable pain. _He'd left me. Oh god he'd left me…_

"Oh Rose!"

Hesitating went out the window as the metacrisis threw his arms around me and held me tight to him, his own breathing ragged.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Doctor…" I tried to burry myself in his chest, fall into his embrace like I'd always done. I tried to find that safety as I dissolved into tears, but it was all wrong. His one heart thudded in my ears and I suddenly realised how _loudly _he was breathing. It wasn't the sort of thing I even noticed before, but even the grip was wrong. No longer was there the sense of being crushed and cradled at the same time, just hugged like every other _normal _person. It was the temperature that made me push away.

"Rose?"

He looked almost slightly panicky as he rushed to try and catch my arm, face full of confusion and hurt. I was too worked up to care, backtracking out of his reach and stomping away with a frustrated howl. I'd gone from crying to screaming again like a faulty light switch. _What had I done wrong? _My head felt like a battleground. In the distance, I was vaguely aware of the Doctor – _no the not-Doctor, or half-Doctor, or whoever he was _– still standing there, his arm stretched out. In my heart I felt guilt settle firmly, and I wanted to cry for him as much as me.

But the selfish voice in my head told me to be angry; _furious. _Furious at him for _daring _to be like the Doctor, daring to look like the Doctor, daring to look at _me _like the Doctor. Furious at the Doctor for leaving me _on the same beach_ with a _copy. _ For not saying those three words. _For not taking me back._

Furious at myself for believing he would.

_Maybe he never did love you, that's why he couldn't say it, _a little voice intoned. But that didn't add up, not really. He _had _cared about me. _Did _care about me. _So why did he leave me?_

I whirled around and flopped onto the dunes, the bleak sky rattling all around me.

_What the HELL was I going to do now?_

* * *

"_Yeah, doc, sounds like you did make a bit of a mess of it."_

"_I was trying to give you something so you'd be happy!" He turned to Rose. "I wanted you to be happy with someone that would grow old with you!"_

_Rose sighed heavily, laying her head firmly on his shoulder._

"_First off, _you _make me happy, Doctor. Second, that was thirty seconds after you left without saying goodbye!"_

"_I'm sorry." He mumbled, eyes suddenly on his shoes._

"_And I've forgiven you." She gave his hand a squeeze. "But it wasn't easy, thinking you'd left me 'cos you didn't want me."_

"_Oh, Rose, don't ever think that!"_

"_Well I know that now!"_

"_So you gave him the cold shoulder?" Mickey looked torn between sympathy and exasperation._

"_I was upset – and confused. I think I really hurt him, and I still hate myself for it."_

"_And so ends that idea." Jack cast the Doctor a hard look._

"_Oi! That wasn't exactly the end of it, not slightly!" Rose cast a glance around the room. "I mean, come on, we weren't exactly going to hate each other."_

_A small smile twitched her lips. And then it faded, her eyes darkening. The Doctor and Raven, who knew why, said nothing, though the former shifted so she could curl further across him. The rest looked confused and a bit worried. Finally, Jack cleared his throat._

"_So, err, what happened?"_

* * *

"Sweetheart…"

I really didn't want to talk to anyone, least of all mum.

"Are you okay? Rose?"

"I'm fine." I said bitterly. It felt like I was on solid ground with stubborn. I fixed my eyes across the iron-grey north sea and tried to see a path ahead. Nothing materialised. Only the rattling dunes.

"Look, you should talk to him sweetheart."

"No."

"Rose, I really think you should talk to him."

There was just something in her voice that made me look up; made me tense and sit straight.

"Is he alright?"

"I dunno, he's just gone all quiet, won't say anything –"

I was already up and striding back down the beach, the irrational fear of him being hurt driving me like a bull. _He's not the Doctor, he's not the Doctor! _set a mantra in my head, but it didn't even slow me down.

"And don't think I didn't see you walking away from him before, young lady!" Jacky called after me, jogging to keep up. The guilt that had settled in my stomach grew spikes and speared through my gut. I was running before I realised it and then stopped as I saw the man in the blue suit sat on a rock, staring into space. He looked as if all the world had crashed down on top of him, and for the first time I considered what effect being cut-off might have had on _him._ I wanted to kick myself. I wanted to pull him into my arms and tell him it was alright, but I couldn't when I felt just as lost as him.

I supressed a sob, but it came anyway. His head snapped around.

The look he gave me was so frightened – so _frightening – _it took my breath right out of my body. His eyes were red-rimmed and he seemed unable to speak. Then he looked away and it tore a piece out of my heart. It was like he was scared of _me. _The thought killed me.

Without waiting to think – because then I might have changed my mind – I clambered up the tumble after him and walked unsteadily to his side. He didn't look round, but tensed as I sat. Close up, I saw the tears rolling down his face.

"I can't…" I shook my head and tried to think.

"I'm sorry."

It was so quiet I almost didn't hear it.

"Doctor…"

That made him turn. He stared at me with eyes wild with terror and self-disgust. It made me flinch.

"I love you." He croaked, face crumpling as I recoiled. "It's all I have left."

I stared at him, trying to understand as he seemed to collapse inwardly.

"I can't hold it in, anymore." He said suddenly. "I didn't notice when we were on the ship, but it _hurts_ – everything! I could ignore it before, store it away, but I can't. And all of this feels just as alien to me as it does to you!" He jabbed violently at his chest. "It's all so…warm and _chaotic_ and I have to _feel everything _whilst being _blind!_"

I tried to reach for him, but he shied away, scrambling across the rock.

"I'm not the Doctor."

I sat back without a clue what to do. The words I said came from somewhere I didn't know existed.

"You're not far off."

Silence descended between us as he slowly looked round and into my eyes. He was searching for something. I didn't know what. He was still so scared…

"And that's good enough for you, is it?"

"I dunno."

I heaved a sob as he looked down, tears dripping off his nose.

"I love you."

"And I love you…"

"You love _him._"

"Yeah, and you said you were him, basically. So I still love you." I ran a hand through my hair that was blowing all over the place. "I just don't know if I can…"

I trailed off hopelessly.

"This sucks." I chuckled humourlessly, but to my surprise the metacrisis actually laughed, loosing a watery choke.

"It is a bit." He automatically reached for my hand and then stopped himself. "I didn't really think this far ahead."

"Welcome to humanity."

We laughed through our tears, the metacrisis sniffing loudly before smiling unsteadily.

"I want you be happy." He locked my eyes with breath-taking sincerity. "_He _wanted you to be happy."

"Then why did he leave?" I asked brokenly, unable to stop the question that was _eating_ at me. "Why did he go without even saying goodbye?"

The metacrisis swallowed and looked at me with something like distant pity.

"Because I think he loved you too much to be able to stand it."

I gazed at him in utter disbelief, too stunned to speak.

"He loved you, Rose. He always did."

I shook my head, and he caught my hand, staring at it ever so slightly as if it were made of glass. I realised he was trembling, and suffering the chill for the first time in his Timelord memory.

"What are we going to do?"

"Oi! You two! We haven't got a lift 'till tomorrow, so we better get on to that little village before nightfall!" Jackie was already striding towards the dirt track that lead away from the beach, apparently frustrated with the pair of us.

"Oh fuck." I murmured, unconsciously tightening my hand around his.

"Rose…"

"What?"

He said nothing, but looked like a baby bird that had just fallen out of the nest. He glanced agitatedly at our hands and twitched his other one convulsively.

"What?"

It took a long pause, but finally he answered, voice as quiet as before.

"Rose, don't…leave me. I mean–" For a moment I thought he meant _us_, _us _as in _us_, but that phrase on _his_ lips; that fear…

I realised he was scared I'd just leave him there on the beach.

"No…" I said softly, filled with sudden horror. "No, I wouldn't do that, of course not!"

"I'm sorry I'm not _him_." He said thickly. I had no answer to that, so I settled to easing him to his feet, still reeling that he thought I'd _abandon_ him. He was just so _vulnerable_, unused to his own mind and body. Even if everything fell apart, I'd never just _leave _him to fend for himself, least of all in that state. I couldn't do it if I tried.

* * *

"_Well that's comforting."_

_Rose made a noise of assertion and leaned down so she was lying length-ways across him, eyes shut. He moved his other arm round her so it formed a pillow._

* * *

I didn't let go. As we walked, I didn't let go. I tried, once or twice, when the frustration took over, but I couldn't keep it up for more than a minute at a time. He was really shivering with the wind now, and looked lost every time he lost contact with my hand. By the end of the path where it connected to the road, I'd gotten used to the warmth.

"It's not far now, and then we can get inside." I murmured soothingly as he shook. He made a frustrated noise in his throat that sounded half way between exasperation and disgust.

"Where are we going?"

"Bed and breakfast, I think. It's what we did last time."

"Last time you were here?"

"Yeah."

I stopped and tried to force back the memory of crying myself to sleep. There was another long silence as we reached the main street of the village, glimpsing mum in the distance.

"So…what's going to happen after that?"

"After what?"

"Anything?"

"I dunno." I stopped to look back at the rippling, shining grey mass behind us, partially obscured by low hills. "I mean…job, house – I'm still living with mum and dad, kind of, but it's separate. I suppose, um, do life like the rest of the universe."

The thought was surreal. It was like a fantasy you think of when you're trying to plan your life, but know it's never going to happen. Like winning the lottery or becoming a rich movie star. Actually, a lot of them involved money, but it wasn't something you ever considered seriously because it wasn't something that was _supposed _to happen. Life was supposed to be an adventure and mine was with an immortal alien in beautiful blue box that was bigger on the inside and just as alive as her pilot. Or, at least, I thought it was. The thought of just _accepting _and going _normal _after that…was _insane_.

At least he seemed to agree.

"You mean…a house _that stays in one place? _With…with carpets and windows and same-size-on-the-inside?"

"Well, we could try travelling the normal way."

He scoffed raucously, and then stopped.

"We?"

I opened my mouth. And shut it. I tried to bully my brain to work and it told me to fuck off.

"I dunno."

I turned round without looking at him, and strode away down the street.

* * *

_**A.N: Right, so this is my go at Rose and the beach aftermath. I'm hoping I get this right with what she's feeling and what the metacrisis is experiencing. I want her to start off confused and annoyed and, frankly, quite human so i can work on maturing her as a character. I mean she did since the first series, but just building on that. In the meanwhile I wanted to set everything up...before tearing it to bits, nailing it to a frisbe and flinging it over the rainbow bridge (grins evilly and rubs hands together).**_

_**But there's still gonna be angst in this, obviously, so this has to be set up right. **_

_**Sweet mother, sweet mother, send your reviews unto me! Please?**_


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